and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
