Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
