I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
