she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
