Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I stole a fireplace last night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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