Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
