we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
