I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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