things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize