I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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