Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
