corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
