My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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