The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
