i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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