Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The air taste purple.
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