Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Found your dick twin last night
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
