i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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