I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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