I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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