I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
