Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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