It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
