i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
