I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
