Your mouth is God's brothel.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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