Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
