This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
