you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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