i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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