The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
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I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
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I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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