i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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