if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
