I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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