I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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