she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
