2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
