My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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