Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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