Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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