i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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