I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
