I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
