Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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