Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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