I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
