i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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