Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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