I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
