Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
