Can Purell be used as lube?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
