my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
