dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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