His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
