dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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