He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
