I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I intend to get homeless drunk
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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