Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
